Before it Gets Any Better, We’re Heading for a Cliff

REVAMPING MY LIFE. and this blog…

Alright, to be completely honest, I SUCK AT BLOGGING.

I can’t seem to keep a regularly updated blog going for more than a few days. I’ve tried this, tumblr, xanga, and blogger. The only thing that I can keep going, is facebook and twitter.

But i’m revamping myself and this blog and I’m going to attempt to keep this going. Right now, i don’t really have any plans for this blog. I don’t have an interesting enough life to sit and rant about my troubled family life or my extreme college partying.

Not to sound too cliché, or emotional, but these years have been rough. Teenagers always go through a lot of shit over the years. You lose friends, family, yourself. You make new friends, you are introduced to the rest of your life, you pass and fail.

And i feel like before i can start looking up, i have to hit bottom.

As of right now, I am happy. It’s not that kind of happy

I want to be happy because other people are happy. I want to see someone do an amazing job at something, and know that i’m happy because they are happy. I don’t care if it’s a picture someone drew, or a song that someone sings. I don’t care if it’s a coin collection, or a cooking magazine. I just want to be happy for them, without having to find something in myself to be content with.

I don’t know if I’ve been a good person my entire life. I don’t know if i still am, or not. But i want to be, I want to be good. I know so many people who just have like this awesome “do good” lifestyle and i know i might not compare to them, but i’d like to try. I want to go back to church, and i’m not sure why i stopped. Sometimes, i believe it’s because i couldn’t force myself to get up at 8am every sunday, other times it’s because i hated seeing the same people asking for the same things. I didn’t feel as close to god as i should have in a church. I felt like it was more of a routine than anything. But i want to feel close to that again.  And it’s not because i want to secure myself in the long run. It’s because those people who do have good hearts and souls. It’ because if i don’t start doing something now, then i’m going to regret who i was and am now.

I know i’ll never be able to talk about the things that hurt me the most. And i think that’s how it should be.  I want to say only that I’m still angry and that i still find fault with everything that has happened. I don’t think i’ll ever be okay with what happened. I don’t think it was right, and i never will.

I’ve never tried to be someone who you would like. I have my own interests and my own ideas and thoughts and i never want to be someone you would like, unless that’s who i genuinely am. It’s not okay to pretend to be someone, and the more you sit there and judge me and think i’m trying to impress you, the further away you get from who i am. Maybe i’m just like you, and you find it hard to believe, but this is it. this is who I am. And i’d like to tell you to take a hike if you don’t like me, but at the same time i’d rather just be friends than have to deal with someone who got away.

This is a revamp. This is what happened when i turned 19 and started over. I think this is going to last.